David Klein


24 August 2016

Hungry. I decided to grab a Coffiest. Below is my tale.

First, I appreciate the minimalist packaging design. The label can be summarized by Coffiest, caffeine, l-theanine, soylent, and 400 kcal.

Now, to be clear, I am a self-described coffee expert. However, I do not believe that my expertise will be relevant or helpful during this experience. I assume Coffiest will not be very coffee-like. Let's find out.

First sip

Second sip
I think I’m getting used to this. Does that make me a tech bro? A brosigner? Should I call my rabbi?

Third sip
Oh wait does this mean I can’t eat lunch today? This is supposed to be an entire meal right?

Fourth sip
This is about as coffee-tasting as a mocha frappuccino. Although I would rather have a mocha frappuccino. They taste good and make me feel happy.

Fifth sip
Do you still care? Do I?

Sixth sip
I don’t feel hungry anymore. Does that mean my body is freaking out or satisfied?

Seventh sip
Honestly, I’ll pixel-fit any icons people send to me.

Eighty sip
It’s thick, but not too thick. It’s adequate, but not too adequate.

Ninth sip
Should I tell people I tried soylent? What will my girlfriend think? What will my mom think? Oh god what will my dogs think?!

Tenth sip
Could it be? Is my hairline extending? No you’re just seeing things again.

Eleventh sip
Fin. I did it. A ladybug seriously landed on my shoulder as I finished my first Soylent. That must be significant. I suppose I’ll complete the twelve pack.

Five minutes later

My heart rate increased. I hope that’s the caffeine! This is my second cup of the day. This morning I made a delightful cup of Brasil Serra Negra from Passion House Coffee Roasters on the V60. Perhaps two caffeinated items before lunch time is a mistake for someone my age.

Also, my mouth feels a little slimy. Time to grab a La Croix and flex some Sketch.

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