24 August 2016
Hungry. I decided to grab a Coffiest. Below is my tale.
First, I appreciate the minimalist packaging design. The label can be summarized by Coffiest, caffeine, l-theanine, soylent, and 400 kcal.
Now, to be clear, I am a self-described coffee expert. However, I do not believe that my expertise will be relevant or helpful during this experience. I assume Coffiest will not be very coffee-like. Let's find out.
- Attack: Oh god. This tastes like what I think mud would taste like.
- Evolution: Okay I guess it's just a shake.
- Finish: Well that's over, Phew.
- Aftertaste: Oh there's a shtickle of coffee. Interesting.
I think I’m getting used to this. Does that make me a tech bro? A brosigner? Should I call my rabbi?
Oh wait does this mean I can’t eat lunch today? This is supposed to be an entire meal right?
This is about as coffee-tasting as a mocha frappuccino. Although I would rather have a mocha frappuccino. They taste good and make me feel happy.
Do you still care? Do I?
I don’t feel hungry anymore. Does that mean my body is freaking out or satisfied?
Honestly, I’ll pixel-fit any icons people send to me.
It’s thick, but not too thick. It’s adequate, but not too adequate.
Should I tell people I tried soylent? What will my girlfriend think? What will my mom think? Oh god what will my dogs think?!
Could it be? Is my hairline extending? No you’re just seeing things again.
Fin. I did it. A ladybug seriously landed on my shoulder as I finished my first Soylent. That must be significant. I suppose I’ll complete the twelve pack.
Five minutes later
My heart rate increased. I hope that’s the caffeine! This is my second cup of the day. This morning I made a delightful cup of Brasil Serra Negra from Passion House Coffee Roasters on the V60. Perhaps two caffeinated items before lunch time is a mistake for someone my age.
Also, my mouth feels a little slimy. Time to grab a La Croix and flex some Sketch.